В общем, они на английском, кому не будет понятно обязательно переведу))))))
о блондинкахномер раз:
A BLOND VISITS THE FARM
A young blond lady from the city was driving her convertible through the country and passed a local farm. Seeing the farmer out feeding the animals she decided to stop and ask about them. "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady? The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'because it's a horse." адвокаты меня радуют....хотелось бы знать на что еще способен адвокат хыыыAn Old Man's Dying Request
An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.
His Doctor, His Priest and His Lawyer
Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars inside.
When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.
After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."
The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."
Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing!
"I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that."
" I did the right thing ! "
"I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in ! ! !"аааа - разговаривающая собака!!!Best Dog Story
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired
me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's an unrepentant liar. He never did any of that Stuff.эти прочитаю вместе с вами, потмоу что уже нет времени на нихэти прочитаю вместе с вами, потмоу что уже нет времени на них
BAD PUNS- AND A FEW GOOD ONES.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!!
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate every little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
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29.01.2010 в 16:03зы. мой любимый английский анекдот про голубей и парня, знаешь?)
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29.01.2010 в 20:15ыыыы не - не знаю - давай))))
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31.01.2010 в 18:26Лондон, Трафальгарская площадь, всюду голуби. Благообразного вида старушка разбрасывает пшено. Молодого человека, сидящего на скамейке, птицы уже изрядно достали, и он с криками "Fuck off!" пытается отогнать голубей.
Старушка:
- Young man, don't use such words! Just say "shoo, birds, shoo!" and they will fuck off....
И второй. Вдогонку, про любимый Питер:
Санкт-Петербург. Забор. На заборе надпись: "Извините. Но всё-таки - ХУЙ".
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01.02.2010 в 00:49такие вежливые
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01.02.2010 в 10:55гы. мои любимые))))
зы. жду перевода)))
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01.02.2010 в 10:56Можна тебе для второй вычитки отсылать "Дни"? Я еще только думаю над 7 главой...
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01.02.2010 в 14:04-
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01.02.2010 в 14:22-
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01.02.2010 в 14:43