Нашла ряд шуток из учебников, которые использовала в занятиях...
кхем
The professor rapped on his desk and shouted:
"Gentlemen, ORDER!"
The entire class yelled:
"Beer!"
And then there are cynics, who claim that movies would be better if they shot fewer films and more actors.
- What part of the car causes the most accidents?
- The nut that holds the wheel.
Dentist (to the talkative patient): Open your mouth and shut up.
Pedestrian (to a local idiot): Can you tell me where this road goes, please?
Idiot: It don't go anywhere; it just stops where it is.
Professor: If you were in Africa and saw a lion coming, what steps would you take?
Student: the longest steps I could.
- Did your watch stop when it hit the floor?
- Sure, did you think it would go on through?
"Mother", - said Johny, "Is it correct to say you "water a horse" when he is thirsty?"
"Yes, quite correct."
"Then"? - picking up a saucer, - "I'm going to milk the cat."
Professor: Name two pronouns.
Student: Who, ME?
Judge: What is your age? Remember, you're under oath.
Woman: Twenty-one years and some months.
Judge (persisting): How many months?
Woman: One hundred and eight.
- Hello, is that Jack Brown speaking?
- Yes, who is that?
- Alfred.
- Who? I can't hear you.
- I say Alfred: Alec, Lily, Freddie? Richard, Ellen, Dick. Do you hear?
- Yes, but which of you six is on the telephone now?
Harry: I think it's getting late. What does your watch say?
Bob: Just what it always says: tick-tock...
A notice was put up on the door of an office:
"If you haven't anything to do, DON'T DO IT HERE!"
An American newspaper, giving the biography of a United States millionaire, stated that "he was born without a cent in his pocket".
- Professor, I can't go to class today.
- Why?
- I do not feel well.
- Where don't you feel well?
- In class.
In case of an accident, what is better than the presence of mind?
- the absence of body
The decrepit old car drove up to the toll-bridge.
Officer: 50 cents!
Driver: Sold!
- I heard something this morning that opened my eyes.
- So did I, and alarm clock.
- What time do you get up in Summer?
- When the sun comes to my window.
- Isn't that very early?
- Oh, no, my room faces North.
Little Linda: Mama, do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'?
Mom: No, darling, sometimes they begin "My love, I will be detained at the office pretty late tonight."
Some men are born great, some achieve greatness... and some just grate upon you.
- Waiter?
- Yes, sir.
- What's this?
- It's bean soup, sir.
- No matter what it's been. What is it now?
- Is Hugh there?
- Hugh who?
- Yoo-hoo yourself!